I am so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most, it’s why I’ll never be married, have kids, or a house with a white picked fence…
I’ve never been content with what I have, hell I am not sure if it’s the ADD or ADHD (this will be a whole other entry!) but for me it’ll never happen! I like change..hell if I could pick up and move every year to a new area I’d totally do it. This is also one of the reason I don’t have a tattoo yet; that and the fact that EVERYONE has one (I use to like the tribal stuff but not any more). And it’s why I get a new car almost every 2-3 years.. (I’ve NEVER paid a car off entirely!).
Let’s start with the easy one, the house with a white picked fence. Some days I think I’d like something like that, and then the next day I am into something else (besides what 26 something year old wants a house like that?). I felt really bad for my realtor.. but she was paid to deal with my crap. When I went shopping for a house I bounced back between the following: A cool condo down town, a historic town home down town, modern style, historical, suburban, urban, loft style, cookie cutter, etc. As you can see I was all over the place like most things in my life, including partners (And it’s this reason I am pretty sure I like Ikea’s catalog as much as I do; each page is a different style).
What I look for in someone changes daily, sometimes hourly (yeah, at least I admitted it). There have ONLY ever been two people I’ve met in my life that I can say I am honestly attracted to and neither one of them “play on my team” (if you know what I mean). I am not sure why, but I am pretty sure it’s safe to blame porn. But don’t judge me, that’s the only action I get these days; I mean it’s safe, fast, readily available, and “gets the job done”. And things are easily categorized into what might be of interest to you at any given time.
I’ve never been in a relationship, NEVER. I don’t know what its like to “have someone to come home to”. I fall asleep every night by myself, and honestly I can’t sleep any other way. My dog Gunner tries to sneak up onto the bed (he is to oafy and fails miserably), but about 10 min. of him shaking the whole bed from breathing, or licking my hand, or attacking my feet, or me becoming COMPLETELY soaked from how hot we both are…I kick him off the bed (he retaliates by waking me up at 7am to go to the bathroom, or puking beside my bed). Same thing goes on with dates, only you can’t kick them to the floor (although the thought has entered my mind at times). I often wonder if other people deal with the same thing, but then realize I wouldn’t give a shit if they did or didn’t. The bottom line is, it’s going to take a lot of work for this to change and a lot of sleepless nights when I finally do “commit” to someone.
I use to blame my dating failings on others; it’s typical for anyone to do it. But then I realized a lot was my fault and I go about it all wrong (online dating), I am a pretty cold person (so I’ve been told), I have social anxiety (thank you Shane Gordon for pointing that one out), I am not happy with my work at the gym (even though I’ve come along way), I hate pursuing or chasing people, I honestly still live a double life, and the number one reason is… I’d rather not deal with it. Why? Well.. I’ll never be satisfied! I feel almost bad for anyone I hit on or who hits on me. But from all the bull shit I’ve dealt with over the years I feel I am entitled to be like this. Besides that’s the way the cookie crumbles and I am not one to let the crumbs fall on the ground to create a mess; I usually eat over a garbage can (which Gunner usually digs in while I am in the shower).
This brings me to the last point, why I’ll never have kids. I’d fail as a parent; hell I fail as a parent to a Rotti/Mastiff dog named Gunner and a macaw named Rumba (and a pit/boxer named Gretchen whom I had to find a new home for a while back). Neither listen to me, they do whatever the hell they want, I am constantly yelling, the house is always a mess, I can’t have anything nice (I use to hate when my mom said that, but I understand now). But I don’t care, as long as they don’t bother me during Rupaul’s Drag race on Monday nights or Animation Domination on Fox Sunday nights.
“I'm afraid sometimes you'll play lonely games too,
games you can't win because you'll play against you”
Dr. Seuss
This is quite an intense first blog post! Usually people start off by writing, "Hi, my name is Danny and I'm going to tell you a little bit about myself." But nope, not you. You come right out and just BAM, in yo face!
ReplyDeleteListen, every single person in this world has issues, we ALL do. You are no exception to this rule. We are all prisoners to our negative thoughts, whether we'd like to admit it or not. The truth is, the people who appear the most confident, are usually the least. And sometimes, those who appear the most disheveled, have their shit together.
Life isn't about pleasing other people and even in this post, I can see how you're constantly fighting with that. You've been fighting two sides of life since you were little. I think you're starving for balance. You just want to be you - and Danny, that is not a crime.
Sit down, and make a list of everything that makes you happy. Not things that make you "fake" happy. (Ya know, like things you pretend are really fun when certain people are around, but the truth is, you'd just rather be doing something else). Even if the list is full of the most ridiculous things, ex: I'm happy when my finger nails are properly trimmed. I'm happy watching RuPaul.... ect. Once your list is complete, do those things. Don't go to places you don't really want to be, don't hang out with people who you don't really like, and don't do anything that doesn't oblige by your list or who you are.
Here's the key (the key that we're all still searching for): you have to be completely content with yourself before anything else come along. You know that phrase, you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, well it's completely true. And stop saying you don't know what love is - just because you're not in a relationship doesn't mean you don't love, or you don't know how to love. Love is in there, you're just not giving it a chance to show itself. Love doesn't have to be reserved soley for people or relationships, either. You can truly love something or someone, whether you're sleeping with them or not!!
If you're ok being messy and not having any animals, then that's how you should be! And if someone comes along and doesn't like it, then that's not your responsibility.
Self worth goes along way. I've known you for a long time and I've known you on several different levels and I've always thought that if you would just pick yourself instead of picking everything else, you'd be just fine. Sometimes you have to stop putting everything else before you in order to figure it out. You have to actually like Danny, as a person before you're ready to go find the love of your life.
And while you're working on you, it'll happen. One day you'll be listening to beyonce and watching an episode of RuPaul eating a bag of Tostitos, drinking a cocktail and suddenly the door bell will ring, and outside will stand the love of your life... Ok, so maybe THAT won't happen, but ya never know. I think I just wrote the plot for your next porno... I also think I'm going to throw up in my mouth....
Well, there's your novel. Plot of the story is, It's ok to be you, take more time for YOU, stop trying to please everyone else (family included) and you'll be just fine kiddo.
The end.
yeah... I know.. I am just saying that I'am NEVER satisfied and that I recognize that, and realize it's an issue. Remember the ML350 Benz! LOL PRIME example!
ReplyDeleteWell, your obviously never satisfied because you're ALWAYS acting on impulse. If you would take 5 seconds to analyze the decision and whether or not it's something that you REALLY want - not just "omg it's the sexiest car I've ever seen", then you wouldn't have a car ownership list as long as my grocery list!
ReplyDeleteIt's ok to want something, but when it becomes a hobby to want something every other time you see a new car, or house... then it becomes almost a chore to keep up with it all! Buy something you love and know that you'll love it for at least 5 - 10 years. If you know you'll be sick of it in a year, chances are - you shouldn't buy it.
A.) I don't use grocery lists...
ReplyDeleteB.) My tastes and likings change more times a day than a hormonal teen girl in the middle of a period's tampon. >:P
C.) My life is one LARGE chore! ;)
D.) 5-10 years is too long of a commitment for me... and I guess that's the overall theme of this posting. And I am ok with that! lol